Wal-Mart sucks. I appreciate the lower prices on groceries, diapers, and toiletries, and truly that’s the only reason I subject myself to the torture of spending time in that hell hole. Wal-Mart is the only place I’ve ever been hit on by large black men while I’m grocery shopping with my children, looking like total crap. (I only bring it up because it’s happened multiple times.) Wal-Mart is the only place where every other aisle is blocked by those huge cart things they’re using to stock the shelves. What happened to stocking that shit overnight? They’re open 24 hours – wouldn’t it make more sense to block every other aisle at 3 a.m., when there’s only a handful of people in the store? Wal-Mart doesn’t carry plain yogurt. They don’t carry gorgonzola cheese. They don’t carry sundried tomatoes or roasted peppers in jars. They DO, however, carry gallon-sized jars of pickled eggs. And at Wal-Mart, you can listen to someone in the bakery and someone in the produce section shouting a conversation back and forth to one another in Spanish.

Two things at Wal-Mart made me chuckle today. The first was a GIGANTIC family. I tried not to stare, because I know exactly how that feels – we aren’t the teeniest of families ourselves, with our five children. This family, though, really made it a point to stand out. There were eleven children, ranging in age from 14-ish down to newborn. The mom and dad were in black jeans and brown camouflage shirts. EVERY CHILD was wearing brown camouflage cargo pants and matching brown tops. The baby, which the mommy was carrying in her arms, was wearing a brown camouflage one-piece outfit. They looked like the Brady Bunch Army or something. I’ve been known to dress my kids all in red shirts to go to the zoo or whatever, so I can find them all, but my kids are LITTLE. And red shirts, y’know, BLEND IN. Nothing like making your family look like even more of a walking freakshow! I’ll bet those teenage kids were annoyed with the family dress code.

The second thing was the cashier who checked me out. I walked down the row of 25 registers and saw that two were open. Always, always, always they have dozens of checkstands, with nobody working the registers. It’s obviously store policy. I headed down to the express lanes and walked right up – no line – it didn’t seem like I had A HUGE amount of stuff, but the cashier said, “How you doin’ on your twenty count, there?” I said, “Well, I think I’m pretty close to it.” She glared at me and started checking me out, and THEN, of course, two or three people got in line behind me. I felt sort of bad that they were standing there waiting to check out with just Red Bull and tampons, but hey – I was there first! And really, it didn’t seem like I had a ton of stuff. I just bought produce and cottage cheese rice and frozen pizzas and string cheese! When she got done ringing me up, she said, “Uh, YEAH, a few more than twenty.” Okay. I had forty items. But…but…but…how difficult is it to scan, like, six identical pizzas, and four identical packages of rice? That should have brought my count down right there. I was cracking up at this cashier trying to guilt trip me for using the express lane. What, does she get paid on commission for how many customers come through? I kind of doubt it. I just smiled and poured on the sweetness. You don’t want me jumping into your lane, open another register, hooker!

So, yeah. I guess I could have just said, “Wal-Mart sucks. The end.” But, would that have been worth posting? Nah.

___________________

Liv on November 13th, 2007 at 1:51 pm #

Ah, good ole’ Wal-Mart. I am so glad we finally have a Target opening up here. No grocery section, but we have Bi-Lo to take care of that. Wal-Mart is just a pain in the neck to deal with.

Amanda on November 13th, 2007 at 3:41 pm #

In California, we used to always joke that we had to make sure our immunizations were all up to date before entering our Wal-Mart, since it was like a 3rd world country in there and nobody seemed to speak any English.

What a difference in Washington, though. The first time Dave went into our wal-mart, he cracked up when over the loud speaker someone said, “A Spanish-speaking associate to the front, please. A Spanish-speaking associate to the front.” ALL the associates in California spoke Spanish!

Tracy E. on November 13th, 2007 at 5:03 pm #

Laura, I love reading your blog! You just gave me the laugh I so needed today, thanks!

dandelion dust on November 13th, 2007 at 9:55 pm #

I love Wal*Mart!! Funny post though. I can’t imagene a family with 11 kids trooping around the store like that. What the heck?!

Erica on November 13th, 2007 at 9:58 pm #

Too funny .. and sadly I totally relate. What is with having 24 registers and only 2 in use?!

KR on November 14th, 2007 at 12:00 am #

That was HI-LA-RI-OUS!! I’ll be back to check you out when it’s not 1 am.
Thanks for the laugh – KR

tiff on November 14th, 2007 at 1:03 am #

We don’t have Walmart in Australia…it sounds a bit like Woolworths and Big W combined. Anyway it sounds big.
I did have a good laugh at the check out chick and the family all in camo. We are a large family too and I beg my kids not to draw any more attention to us than we already do (as a big family).

Melissa on November 14th, 2007 at 8:28 am #

My mother in law works at WalMart and yet I still shop at SuperTarget. That should tell you something right there ;)

Denise on November 14th, 2007 at 11:54 pm #

I went to Wal-Mart today. I don’t go but a few times a year beacause it’s about 45 minutes from my house but it’s right down the street from the outlet mall. Anyway, I thought of you and your trips because the entire time I was thinking what is UP with these people and where did they come from. ha! Craziness. I did manage to fill my cart up though.

Holli on November 14th, 2007 at 11:55 pm #

I totally agree Laura. I love the superlow prices especially on the lactaid milk, but I do not feel safe in there. I certainly can not let my 13 going on 25 daughter go where she wants by herself in there. The store just opened a year ago and it is terrible already.

Kim from Utah on November 15th, 2007 at 10:58 am #

I hated wearing matchy matchy stuff when I was young.

Loretta on November 16th, 2007 at 1:14 am #

Wow, the totally matched up family might have given me the creepies a bit. My mom is always buying my boys stuff that matches identically … and then fusses about it when they don’t wear it on the same day. I refuse to subject them to the ridicule that is sure to come of them wearing the same clothes to school! LOL

A Whole Lot of Nothing on November 17th, 2007 at 9:42 am #

I love you more now than when I found out you are my stalker! I can’t STAND Wal-Mart. I live in Orlando, and unless you speak Spanish, you’re not going to get an question answered.

I hate to comment on your comments, but I noticed that the person who likes Wal-Mart also spells incorrectly. Coincidence?

Noelle on November 17th, 2007 at 11:12 pm #

Awwww Wal-Mart. So did you really count that family with eleven children?… LOL That’s great. Also, loving the last comment! LMAO!!! And for the stupid cashier, she shouldn’t take her job so serioulsy. I get that without her, Wal-Mart probably wouldn’t go on. You should have just told the bitch to break it up into two transactions. Then what?… Veinte y veinte

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