easy-off bam

This stuff is just insane. I mean, it would have to be, right? Have you seen the commercial? With that same guy who shouts at us in the OxyClean commercial? (Aside: I’ve always thought Paul’s coworker Jason looked like Billy Mays, the OxyClean guy. Don’t believe me? Look for the “Net Jet Review” post on this very blog. There’s a picture of him.)

Anyway. They show it on the commercial – spray and wipe to cut through soap scum! Spray and wipe to cut through limescale! It even takes rust off of your patio. I figured it would have to do something for the red stains on the grout in our shower. I think we have rust in our water or something, because everywhere we have water, we have red stains. It looks super on the white vinyl fence that surrounds every square inch of our neighborhood. It’s as if the municipal sprinkler system has Kool-Aid in it. We have 12″ square stone tiles in our shower, and they’re just…hard to clean! They’re so…porous. And it says right on the bottle not to use it on stone, but I decided to hell with it. I don’t care if it eats away my shower walls as long as it gets rid of those ugly red streaks!

Now here’s the part I don’t understand. How do people use Easy-Off Bam without falling over dead? I sprayed the shit out of my shower, and then turned on the exhaust fan and threw open the window, and I still had to bury my face in a towel while scrubbing the shower walls to avoid passing out. I seriously think you could use this stuff as a weapon, if it weren’t too big to carry on your keychain. But damned if that stuff didn’t clean up my shower like it was brand new! It really DID cut through the soap scum on the glass door like nobody’s business. It really DID wipe the rusty red stuff right off of the way-too-porous tile and grout.

So, all’s well that ends well, I guess. Watch, I’ll be in my cozy bed tonight at 3 a.m., dreaming about Detective Scanlon from Medium giving me a foot massage, and I’ll be jolted awake by the sounds of 12″ stone tiles detaching from the wall and crashing to the floor. I’ll update this post if that should happen. In the mean time: go buy some of this stuff! It’s as ridiculous as it seems on TV! IT’S REALLY WORTH SHOUTING ABOUT! BAM! BAM! BAM!!!